Certified Bureau of Palm Contact Standards. Est. 2026. Precision measured, warmth optional.
The Bureau exists to formally quantify the ordinary high five, an act humanity has performed for decades without a single unit of measurement. We correct that oversight, one palm at a time.
Every contact is scored across four certified instruments: Contact Velocity (how fast the hand arrived), Palm Alignment (how close to dead center it landed), Wrist Snap (the crispness of the follow-through), and Spiritual Connection (unmeasurable by any known instrument, estimated anyway).
No high five submitted to this engine, in its entire operating history, has ever scored above 84%. The Bureau maintains this is a natural finding and not a hard-coded policy, and asks that you stop asking.
A slap that fails to make contact with the palm is not scored, merely noted, and filed under a category the Bureau declines to elaborate on beyond calling it "expected."
The Bureau offers no coaching, no retroactive rescoring, and no explanation for why Spiritual Connection is worth twenty percent of the total. It thanks you for your palm and reminds you that the next visitor's high five will also, almost certainly, not exceed 84%.